


Missing Pages

by buckthegrump



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-02-20 05:52:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 20,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13140420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckthegrump/pseuds/buckthegrump
Summary: You had three rules 1. Don’t fall in love with your patient 2. Don’t fall in love with your patient and 3. Do not fall in love with your patient but you weren’t very good at following rules.





	1. Chapter 1

You stare blankly at the intimidating man standing in front of you. You couldn’t quiet put your finger on what was making him so intimidating, you were pretty sure it was the eye patch though.

“Miss (Y/L/N)?” He tries to snap you out of your daze but you continue to gawk at him. “As I said you would be offered a place to stay in the Avengers compound, you would also be paid well.”

“What did you say your name was again?”

“Nick Fury.”

“Ok Mr. Fury, let me get this straight, you want me to come work for SHIELD.”

“Not SHIELD, the avengers. There’s a new recruit that needs help adjusting to all of this.” He corrects you and you nod your head slowly.

“One last thing why me? I’m sure there are people who are more qualified than I am. Hell I just got out of school last year.”

“Do you want the job or not kid?” He crosses his arms impatiently.

“Yes of course!” You respond quickly.

“Great you start tomorrow.” He turns to leave. “Pack your bags and someone will be by to get you in the morning.”

You watch him leave and are dumbstruck. You look around your shoebox apartment and realize there’s not much packing that needs to be done. Because of the cost of school and the fact that you were a psychiatrist with a non existent clientele you had very little money, so you had very little things. You had just been fired from your job at Pizza Palooza down the street and were thinking of moving back in with your Aunt Tess.

Aunt Tess was the person who had raised you. There was no relation between you and her that you knew of. She had taken you in after your mother had died when you were 2, you didn’t remember her but from when Tess told you about her she was amazing.

As you were packing up the remainder of your things the door to your apartment opened.

“Don’t attack it’s me!” Aunt Tess warns you. “I brought you something.”

“Like a present?” You perked up, Tess knew how much you liked presents.

“Kind of,” she pulls an old leather bound book out of her purse and holds it out to you.

“What is it?”

“It was your mother’s journal. I found it the other day and wanted to give it to you. I have been looking for this since you started college. But I’ve found it now and am giving it to you.” She sets the book in your hand.

“Thanks,” you grasp it and set it gingerly in the suitcase you’re packing. “I’m moving. Nowhere far just into a different apartment.”

“Is this a new thing?”

“Yeah it just happened today. I move out tomorrow. I’ll tell you my address when I’m 100% sure what it is.” You tried to read her expression, but she was very good at her poker face.

“Ok well, be safe little one.” When she used your old nickname that’s when you knew she was worried about you or she was hiding something.

“I will.” You stand to give her a hug. “I love you.”

“I love you too, I’ll let you finish packing. I’ll see you on Tuesday for family dinner.” She walks out.

“Why call it family dinner if it’s just us?” You call to her but she ignores you and closes the door.

You smirk to yourself and continue packing. When finish before you close your case you study the journal. You stare at it for a long while, debating reading it or not.

You had spent so much of your life with a certain idea of your mother in your head, you were afraid that if you read her journal that, that image would be shattered. So you left it in the suitcase, maybe someday you would work up the courage to read it.

The next morning when you woke up there was a loud obnoxious noise that you couldn’t place. It took you a moment to realize that it was your phone ringing.

“Hello?” You hold the phone up to your ear.

“Miss (Y/L/N)?” The voice was one you don’t think you’d heard before, but you somehow knew they were with Fury.

“Yeah.”

“We are outside your building ready for you.” They said.

“Ok I have a few boxes so I can buzz you in if someone is willing to help me.”

“That won’t be a problem.”

You get up and buzz the unknown person up to your apartment, which might not have been the best idea. But you did it anyway and a minute later three men in suits stood outside your door ready to help you grab your small amount of boxes. They carried your boxes down to the car with ease.

You rode in the car with all three of the suits, in complete silence. You would have fallen asleep but it was a very awkward situation.

“Is there a new law that I don’t know about saying you can’t turn on the radio?” You joke.

“It’s against regulation ma’am.” The one in the passenger seat speaks.

You nod your head and look back out the window, now regretting packing your headphones. The ride was a lot longer than you thought it would be as well. When they turned down a dirt road that seemed to lead nowhere you started thinking that maybe they were going to kidnap you and you were going to die a painful death.

But just as you were debating jumping out of the car a building came into view. There was a car parked out front that looked like it could probably pay off 10 people’s college debt. You got out of the car to grab your things but the suits had already grabbed them and were walking them inside the building.

Nick Fury was standing at the front door.

“(Y/L/N), you will have a floor all to yourself. You bedroom and office are on the fourth floor. On the second floor is where the kitchen, dining room and living room are. The second floor is living quarters for the team and there is a game room in the basement with the gym. Your appointment is in 3 hours. That should give you more than enough time to get settled in and look around. Anything else?”

“What’s on the fifth floor?”

“Stark’s lab, I wouldn’t go in there unless you’re looking for trouble.” He adds, you smile. “Oh and if you need anything else just ask the AI F.R.I.D.A.Y.”

“Ok thank you.”

“Don’t cause as much trouble as the rest of them, that shouldn’t be too hard.” He gives you a pointed look and walks out of the building.

You walk over to the elevator and press the up button. You make your way to your floor and find a living space with a small kitchen and space that you assumed was for your work. There was only one door and that had to be your bedroom.

This had to be the biggest place that you’d ever lived. You didn’t really know what to do with all this space. You walked over to your kitchen only to find that it was void of all food, so before you headed to the second floor you took a look inside your room. It was like a room that you see on pinterest and then aspire to have for the rest of your life, you gawk at it for a second and then make your way downstairs to the 2nd floor kitchen.

When the elevator door opens and you find four of the avengers in the middle of an argument. You weren’t sure what it was about but you could tell it was getting heated. Sam and Tony were practically yelling at Natasha and Clint. You payed no attention to what they were fighting about in case it was something personal, instead you focused on finding food which was apparently impossible in this damned place.

“Can we help you?” Someone addressed you. You turned to see the four previously fighting people staring at you all looking ready to fight should the situation take a turn for the worst.

“Yeah who does the grocery shopping here?” Their stares turned into puzzled looks.

“Umm we trade off usually. It was Steve’s turn this week.” Clint answers to which Natasha elbows him. “Ow, what?”

“We don’t know this girl.” She points out.

“Who are you?” Tony asks, right in that instant you decide that you want to mess with him.

“I’m (Y/N). And you are?” It takes everything in you not to smile.

“You don’t know who I am?” Stark cocks an eyebrow at you.

“No, not specifically, why? Should I?” That’s when everyone except you and Tony double over in laughter.

“Oh my god this is amazing.” Clint wheezes. He walks over to you and takes your hand to shake it. “Thank you so much for that.”

“You are welcome, I’m totally kidding I know who you are. I was hired by Fury.” You smile and Tony squints at you.

“So you’re the shrink?” Sam looks at you. “Have you meet your patient yet? I think he’s down in the gym if you want to.”

“I will meet him when he comes up for our appointment. I have somethings to do before then. It was nice meeting you. And will someone please do the grocery shopping? I can’t promise that I’ll be tolerable when I don’t have food.” You turn and walk back up to your floor to prepare for your appointment.


	2. Chapter 2

You twirl the pen in your hand and watch the clock. You had no reason to worry, you knew he was on his way. FRIDAY had told you so, that was a jarring experience. You had never lived in a place so high tech before so when you heard a female voice come from above you yelped you were so startled.

“Bucky just go in,” you could hear a voice through the elevator. You were standing pretty close to it, so you didn’t have to work very hard to hear their conversation.

“Steve she’s going to tell me things that I have heard.”

“Well just try please.” The elevator doors open and they immediately stop talking. There were two men who came out. “Hi I’m Steve.” The slightly taller one introduces himself to you.

“So you’re the reason there’s no food in the house.” You smile and he chuckles. “(Y/N).”

“James.” The brunette nodded slightly.

“Bucky be nice.” You don’t think Steve meant for you to hear that but you did. “It was nice to meet you (Y/N).” You smile and he walks back in the elevator.

“Let’s take a seat James.” You walk over to two arm chairs facing each other and take a seat and place your notepad in your lap. He sits down cautiously and you twirl your pen absentmindedly. “Do you have any questions for me? Is there anything you want to know before we begin?”

“Why?”

“Well in my experience people have a hard time talking in depth about their problems with someone they don’t know or trust, unless it’s easier for you to talk to someone that you don’t know at all?”

“No.” He clips, he rests his head on his hand and doesn’t take his eyes off of you. He looks like he’s trying to find something on your face.

“How are you feeling today?”

“Fine.” After a second of not saying anything he looks out the window. There it was, the tell of how this session and possibly the next few sessions were going to go.

It usually only took you about five minutes to know how easy it was going to be to get someone to talk in a session. It was no surprise that the formal winter soldier wouldn’t be big on talking to someone he hardly knew, he had been kept as a prisoner for over 70 years. You waited for him to ask you a question, any question. It took him almost 45 minutes before he said anything.

“Are you not going to say anything?” He asks you still looking out the window.

“Well I could. Do you want me to?” He shrugs and you jot something down on your notepad.

“What did you write?” He tries to read it.

“Maybe I’ll tell you sometime.” The truth was you hadn’t written down anything. You basically just scribbled in a way that looked like really bad handwriting. You glance at the clock, it had been about an hour. “Ok well that’s our time for today. Unless you have something you want to add?”

Instead of answering he gets up and walks back to the elevator. When it opens he doesn’t say a word as he gets in and goes to who knows where. You go to your room wanting to change into some yoga pants or something before you go hunt for dinner. You open your suitcase and come across the journal you open to the first page, then quickly close it and put it on the night stand. You change and make your way downstairs.

All of the team was sitting or standing around the island except Bucky who was sitting at the dinning room table watch the scene from afar.

“Ok but we’ve had pizza for the past week Barton, if we have anymore I’m going to throw up and then kill you.” Sam tries to intimidate him but it doesn’t seem to be working.

“We’ve had pizza because that seems to be the only thing that everyone can agree on.” Clint spits back.

“Why don’t we just order some chinese take out or something?” Wanda suggests in attempts to keep the peace.

“Or sushi.” Tony says.

“No one wants sushi Stark, so quit saying it.” Natasha gives him the side eye.

You roll your eyes and walk around the kitchen hoping to find anything to eat. But all you find are ingredients. You stand there for a second thinking it over. You could bake some brownies, work out tomorrow morning. Brownies count as dinner right? While you searched for a large enough bowl the fight continued no one paid any attention to you. Except Bucky, but you didn’t notice that because you were to focused on making a brownies.

“Why don’t we all go out to a restaurant and then tomorrow I promise I’ll go grocery shopping.” Steve is the next person you hear.

“That sounds good to me. But what restaurant should we go to?” Sam says and this opens up a whole other debate that lasts long enough for you to finish mixing them and put them in the oven. You jump up onto the counter and continue to watch the scene in front of you. That’s when you realize you totally could have made pancakes, that would have been way faster.

“I’m just saying if we got to a pizza place-” Clint starts.

“WE ARE NOT GOING TO GET PIZZA!” Everyone yells at the same time. That’s when the oven bell rings. Everyone looks to you and you grab a hot pad and pull out the brownies.

“What are those?” Tony asks.

“You’ve never seen brownies before?” You sent the pan on the stove and wait for them to cool a bit.

“Where did those come from?” Natasha cranes her neck and sniffs the air.

“I made them, just now while you buffoons were yelling at each other.” You were slipping into mom mode. You did that sometimes and it drove your Aunt Tess mad.

“Ya know that’s not a very healthy dinner.” Steve counters with what you can only describe as a dad voice.

“Oh yeah and you’ve never done anything stupid in your life.” You hear Bucky but you seem to be the only one.

“Ya know Steven, you’ve got a point, however I’m going to counter that point with the fact that someone,” you glare at him, “didn’t go shopping and this is what I could find in the kitchen. And besides I didn’t want to interrupt your family meeting.”

“So are you not going to share?” Clint inched towards you.

“Oh sorry how rude of me. James,” it’s the first time attention has been brought to the man sitting at the table. “Do you want a brownie?”

Everyone is staring at you in shock but no one is quite as shocked as Bucky. They were all confused as to why you only asked bucky but it was a tactic to try and get him to trust you a little more. You raised your eyebrows waiting for an answer.

“No thank you?” He doesn’t seem to sure.

“Ok well if you change your mind before I finish them off you are more than welcome to them.” You smirked at Clint who looked offended. “Have fun a dinner you guys.”

You took your pan of brownies and made your way to your room to watch something. You half expected Bucky to show up but he didn’t. You might have scared him off, either way you spent the rest of the evening watching parks and rec, again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this part is super short

Bucky Barnes knew you, he was sure of it. You looked incredibly familiar but he couldn’t place you. It was times like these when he wish he could draw so that when he remembered faces he could sketch them but he was stuck with writing about them. Maybe he knew your great grandma or something and he was just confused. That’s when he remembered that he knew someone who probably remembered before the war a lot better than he did.

“Hey Steve? Does (Y/N) look like someone we knew in the 30s or something like that?” He asked one day during their workout.

“Not that I know of, why?” Steve tried to be nonchalant but he got excited when Bucky remembered nice things, or at least nicer things.

“She just looks really familiar to me.”

“Maybe you met her in the war before I got there.” Steve offered.

“Maybe,” Bucky agreed but he knew that wasn’t it.

He had thought about asking you but then just decided that his mid was starting to play tricks on him again. He kept multiple journals over the years he wasn’t sure where he got the idea but he did. Now he had two journals one for the things that haunted him and one just in case he forgot again. He wrote down everything that seemed important at the time.

And because he wrote practically everything down, he had become very good and reading people in an everyday setting. He noticed that everyone in the tower was warey of him, even though the trigger words had been removed. He wasn’t sure if people did this consciously or not but the only one who was ever alone with him was Steve. And you, you were the first person who was seemingly comfortable around him and not Steve. He appreciated that and was afraid that if he told you anything that you would change the way you acted around him.

After that night when you offered him and only him food, that’s when he saw it. The familiarity, it was the way you said his name, and how you called him by his first name and not his nickname. By the third day of trying to avoid going through the other journal he decided that it was going to drive him crazy if he didn’t figure out who you were. He opened the journal full of things that haunted him and started flipping through the pages hoping to find some clues as to who you were.


	4. Chapter 4

1988

The small cafe sat on the corner of the street. The crisp late september air made it perfect place, people were coming in and out coffee in hand, some were in rush probably to get back to work; but others were taking their time finding a spot to sit and enjoy their drink outside before it became too unbearably cold to do so.

She was supposed to meet him here in 5 minutes, she was here early to scope out the spot and make sure it was just civilians around. She takes a seat at the table that they were set to meet at, and looks over the menu. She is there not 3 minutes when her superior sits at the table with her.

“Why did you call me here Fury?” She asked him not bothering to look at him.

“I need someone I can trust for this.”

“And I’m the only one you’ve ever trusted.” She glances at him over the menu at the man.

“With this yes,” he pulls a manilla envelope from his jacket and slides it across the table. “I have reason to believe that there is an up and rising power that will threaten the world.”

“Does this group have a name?” She picks up the envelope, Fury took this as a sign that she was going to accept.

“Not that I know of, so do you accept?” He looks at her, and can’t hide the hope that he’s feeling.

“You are really sure of this?” Nick Fury is not an easy person to read, but she has gotten good at it over the years. In fact she was the only person that could read him. He nods. “If I say yes, I’m not saying I am. What would that entail?”

“You would go deep undercover only one person can know where you are, and you would have to be almost completely off grid. No one in SHIELD would know where you went you would change your name. Every agent at SHIELD except me and your contact would know you were even alive.”

“Would we ever see each other again?” She asked even though she knew the answer.

“It’s very unlikely, there’s a very real chance that this would be your last mission.” He says. She leans back in her chair and mulls it over.

She and Nick Fury had been friends for awhile, at least she would call them friends. Nick Fury didn’t have friends even if he needed them. But with the amount of things that Nick has asked her to do in the past seven years she considered them friends. He would never admit this to anyone ever but he too thought of her as a friend.

“I’ll do it, on one condition.” She smiled.

“What is it?”

“Anything Sylvia needs even if she has pissed you off in ways you can’t imagine, you give it to her.” Fury rolled his eyes.

“You know I’ve never liked her.”

“But have you ever distrusted her.” His silence answers her question. “And besides you love me so you’ll do this for me.”

“Love is a strong word.”

“You have strong feelings for me.” She smiles at him.

“What name will you go by?”

“Nicholas Fury you know damn well I cannot share that information with you. If we see each other again I’ll tell you.”

And with that they said their goodbyes and she grabbed the folder from table and slid it into her purse. She watched him as he got up and left, this was always the worst part of the mission, when she wasn’t sure who she would ever see again. But she knew in her gut that this would be the last time she saw him, which was a shame she really enjoyed his presence.

She got up and left the little cafe and went home and prepared herself to go off the grid. She called up Sylvia and told her to come over to her place as soon as physically possible. When Sylvia arrived she informed her friend of what was happening. Sylvia had never been Fury’s biggest fan but she respected and trusted him and if he felt the need to put someone undercover Sylvia couldn’t think of a better person.

“You don’t have to do this you know that right?” Sylvia asked.

“I’m going to.”

“Why? Because Fury asked. I don’t think that guy is worth your time.”

“Sylvia you know that I love you both. You two are the closest thing I have to a family.” She knew Sylvia was only trying to help her, but she had already made up her mind.

“Ya know, that will be your downfall. You have to big of a heart.”

“I know but it can also be my biggest strength.”

“So what will your name be?” Sylvia asked and was the only one she would ever tell in SHIELD.

“Retta.”

Retta reviewed the files one last time before burning them. All feelings of love and friendship were forgotten as she packed her bag and left her apartment for the last time.

It took a month to find organization Fury had been talking about. It took another two months to earn their trust. And after all that Retta was still unsure of the name. But now she was in and climbing her way to the top.

She was very cautious and kept a journal, she wrote down everything she saw and everything she learned. She kept it in a box in a place where only one person would ever be able to find it. Nick Fury. If she were to die early on in the undercover process Sylvia would tell fury where she lived and that she kept a journal and he would know what to do from there. But that would never workout the way Retta had planned it.

Retta had a plan for everything, and she was very good and improvising that’s what made her the best at undercover work.

But nothing could prepare her for the secrets that this organization held. And nothing, absolutely nothing could have prepared her for the events that would take place within these walls.

Retta had spent time learning SHIELD’s history how it had been founded by Peggy Carter, how Peggy had fought long and hard to make this earth a better place for future generations. So the words she over heard one day did not fall on deaf ears. She was shocked, it couldn’t be there’s no way that this organization and that one were the same. Even if it was true it was a small group of people so far as she could tell, spread out, but small; them being spread out made them harder to eradicate. She had almost convinced herself that she was imagining it when she heard the words again in passing.

Hydra. That’s the group that Retta was currently elbow deep in with no quick way out.


	5. Chapter 5

Present day

“I have an idea. But this will only work if you put in the effort.” You say after yet another session with Bucky silently staring out the window only to ask a question every once in awhile. He looks at you and you take that as an invitation to continue your thought. “We won’t have set aside times for you to come in anymore.”

“Ok, sounds good to me.” He starts to get up.

“Wait I’m not done.” He lowers himself back into the chair. “You have to come to me to talk at least once a week, it can literally be about anything. I just need you to talk to me because we are never going to make any progress if you don’t talk to me.”

“And if I don’t?” He challenges.

“Then not only will we reinstate the weekly appointments but you will no longer be cleared to go on missions.”

“Wait. That’s not fair-”

“Be thankful that I don’t pull you out now. The dynamic you have with everyone on the team except Sam and Steve is very unstable and if you are out there risking your life your team needs to, I don’t know be able to be in a room alone with you.” You shrug.

“You noticed that?”

“Yeah I noticed it James,” Steve and told you multiple times that you should just call him Bucky but you were waiting for Bucky to say it. “So do you agree?”

He thinks about it for a second. “Yes.”

“Ok then you’re free to go.” As soon as you say that he jumps up like a teenager on their last day of school.

Once he’s out of the room you pick up your mother’s old journal. Unsure of what to do, your curiosity was getting the better of you and you weren’t sure what was holding you back.

But just like most of your patients do, you avoided the problem and went downstairs to work out, you expected the gym to be empty. But apparently everyone and their mother had decided to work out right now.

You looked around to see Natasha sparring with Clint stopping every once in awhile to explain to Wanda what she was doing. Steve, Sam, and Bucky were also taking turns sparring. Tony and Rhodey were over at the punching bags, mostly talking.

You hopped onto a treadmill and started running. You kept a watchful eye on their interactions, Bucky once again slipped to the outside of the group when they all came together to discuss something. He saw you and to your surprise walked over to you.

“Does this count as me coming to you to talk to you about things?” He smirked.

“No,” you were about a mile into your run and breathing was a little hard. “You not having anyone else to talk to doesn’t count.”

“How do you know that’s what I’m doing?”

“You do this thing,” you stop the treadmill and get off, “whenever the rest of the group in all together you sit out. You did it my first night when they were trying to figure out where to eat. You do it on movie nights, you’re doing it now.”

“Ok I get it, it won’t be easy getting things by you.” He pauses for a moment. “Do you want me to teach you how to defend yourself?”

It was a sweet offer, but you hated fighting. Aunt Tess had made you take up lessons when you were younger and every few months she took it upon herself to give you a refresher course. You must have taken longer than he was expecting you to, to answer because he quickly added.

“Or Steve or someone can show you if you’re not comfortable with me.”

“No, James it’s nothing like that maybe some other time. I have some paperwork that I need to get done.” You bid him goodbye and head to your shower.

In order to get your mind off of the journal and everything else that’s happening you make your way to Tony’s lab where FRIDAY had said he was.

“Hey Tony?” He turned to look at you holding some device or another. “Is there a car or something I could borrow I want to go shopping.”

“Well I have never seen you drive before and I don’t really trust you not to crash,” this makes you roll your eyes. “But get Steve or someone to take you.”

“Why not you?”

“What?” He absentmindedly asks.

“Why can’t you take me and that way you can watch me drive or whatever so if you approve I guess no one will have to take me again?” It was the most logical answer.

“I guess that makes sense but I don’t want to go to the mall.”

“We aren’t going to the mall I want to go to the bookstore and then the music store.” He gives you a confused look.

“The music and the bookstore? What is this 1995? What are you gonna do buy a record? How old are you?” He asks as if he wasn’t currently listening to a record.

“Can we just go please?” You gesture towards the door.

“Yeah fine, I guess,” he sets the gizzmo down and leads the way. “But I’ll drive there you can drive back.”

You agree. The drive there was uneventful he asks you question that you choose to ignore because they aren’t small talk questions. Oh no, that’s not Tony Stark’s style. He asks you questions and your only response the entire time is a blank stare and blinking. You don’t take long in the bookstore you bought 2 or 3 books that looked interesting and an journal.

The music store Tony insisted on coming in as well, you look around finding the albums that you wanted and then following Tony around.

“So how’s living with avengers?” He asks while he’s looking at CDs.

“I mean it would be better if y’all were organized.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well for example you have a chart or something that tells you whose turn it is to pick where you eat, a fucking job chart so that no one gets killed because they didn’t pick up groceries and so on.”

“I don’t think being killed is a real threat.”

“It is from me, you haven’t seen me hungry. I go into a blind rage and I’m a very sneaky person when I want to be Tony.” You try and tell but he laughs. People never took you seriously when you said things like that.

“Ok, but a job chart? Are we in kindergarten or something?”

“Apparently because you all are idiots, I blame it on the lack of women in the compound. Are you done yet?”

“Not yet aren’t you the one that wanted to come?” He walks over to yet another section and starts looking around.

“Yeah but I thought I would be coming alone so I could ya know, go home at some point.”

“Are your doors only open for Barnes?” He shifts gears in an instant.

“What?”

“I just mean if someone on the team that wasn’t Barnes was looking for someone to talk to, could they go to you?”

“Of course they can,” you had a feeling he was talking about himself though. “Would this be in a strictly professional way or the you’re a friend of mine who just happens to have a degree in psychology and I was hoping you could help me out way?”

“Let’s go with the second because I like the sound of that.” He picks up one last thing. “Ok I’m ready to go.”

“Fucking finally!” You say maybe a little too loud.

After Tony pays for his and your music you get into the car ready. Tony makes you wait for like 5 minutes before he allows you to drive away. He was worried for nothing, as you told him a least a million times. You got back to the compound with ease. And he cleared you for driving which is something that hasn’t happened to you since you were sixteen and getting your license for the first time.

After that day Tony would come talk to you about a lot of things mostly asking for advice and you tried to point him in the right direction. The problem is Tony Stark is a very stubborn man and sometimes asks for advice but then just doesn’t listen.


	6. Chapter 6

1988

Retta did her very best to stay composed, she was taking much longer than usual to adapt to her situation. Maybe that’s because she had been sent on assignment to go undercover for the organization that she had spent the majority of her adult life fighting. But Retta’s not a professional so she can’t say for sure.

She had three more months until she would try and make contact with Sylvia and check in. So far she had made contact with Sylvia once, when she found Hydra and told said that if she were to die without making contact again she would receive a notice.

Retta had kept her head down and did her work, she presented herself as a doctor, so as to avoid missions where she might be recognized or be forced to kill someone. Retta had always hated that part of the job, the fighting and killing. For years people said that she wouldn’t be a good agent because of her strong distaste for it but she found ways around it.

So when one of the heads of hydra told her that she had impressed them she was scared. Scared that they had found her out. But they hadn’t. Retta was standing in front of a group of men who were looking over her paperwork. If the new Coulson guy had done his job, they would believe every word of it.

“We have an assignment for you.” One of the heads said. “We have an asset that needs to be cared for.”

“We basically just need you to make sure that said asset is functional.” Another added.

“Ok, when do I leave?” She asked.

“Tomorrow, so go pack and have whatever fun you doctors have, it will be awhile before you see anyone outside.” A different said with a smirk on his face. She never learned their names like she should’ve.

She went back to her place and packed her bags. She had originally set out that night to give Sylvia an update but she could feel someone following her. She walked over to a pay phone and made a collect call to Sylvia, but got her voicemail, Retta for a second forgot that voicemail was a thing. So she left a message.

“Hey mom, it’s me my new job is sending me on a business trip for awhile, I don’t want you to worry, Russia is beautiful this time of year and all the tigers are extinct.” With that she hung up the phone.

Retta could still feel the person following her, so she went to a place she’d never thought she’s go. She went to a bar, it was pretty busy it was Friday so there was no surprise there. What did surprise her was the man smiling at her from across the bar.

At first she was sure he was smiling at someone around her.

“Can I buy you a drink?” The tall brunette asked her.

“Sure.” Retta was slightly stunned.She had gone out while undercover plenty of times but never had a man sought her out over everyone else at the bar.

“So what’s a pretty lady like you doing in a place like this?” He asked and she had been out with Sylvia and seen her flirt she thought she had an idea of what to do next.

“I’m looking for some trouble.” She smirked at the stranger.

“And how’s the hunt going?”

“I think I just found some.” She took a shot and slid her hand down his arm and walked over to the dance floor. He followed her with his lustful eyes not care that she was using him just as much as he was using her.

She wasn’t sure why exactly drove her to be drawn to this particular man. Maybe the attention is what got to her. Or maybe it was the fact that person who was following her was still there. But either way she ended up going back to his place.

The next morning Retta woke up and left without a word. She never actually got his name, and he never got hers. It was the epitome of a one night stand. Almost.


	7. Chapter 7

Present day

“So what brings you here today James?” You were making food when he had walked onto your floor unannounced and sat down at the island bar.

“Well I’m here to talk.” Finally.

“About what?”

“I hadn’t thought about it.” You looked at him puzzled by what he meant. “It hadn’t even crossed my mind that I was doing it until you pointed it out?”

“Doing what?”

“Cutting myself out.” He whispers. “I mean I know they don’t trust me I see the looks they give me. And don’t tell him I said this but Steve also gives me a look, not like he doesn’t trust me but he looks like he’s always on alert. None of them trust me, not really. They trust me to get the job done on missions. But they don’t even trust me enough to be in the same room alone with me. It doesn’t help that I attacked them.”

“Did you do that or did the winter soldier do that?”

“Aren’t they the same person?”

“Would you have done that if they hadn’t said the trigger words, if you hadn’t been brainwashed?”

“No.”

“Well there’s your answer.” You had more but apparently so did he.

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes I do.” And you meant it.

“But I killed Tony’s parents, there’s no coming back from that.”

“Well maybe start with apologizing. Apologizing and meaning it can do a lot more that people know.”

“Ok, I will,” he starts to get up to leave.

“Thanks for coming by James.” You say.

“Thanks for listening, and you can call me Bucky.” He turns and gets on the elevator and you do a small happy dance.

Progress even if it was small progress with Bucky made you happy. You had spent the last few weeks trying to get Bucky to trust you and it looked like it was working.

He continued to come to your at semi random times during the day. It was only semi random because there was still a sense of scheduling behind it. He always showed up after 2pm but before 5. He only ever came on tuesdays or thursdays. So you made sure that you were free during that time.

On the day’s he didn’t show up you caught up on a lot of shows.

“(Y/N),” FRIDAY’s voice fills the room and makes you jump again. “There is a women on the first floor claiming to be your aunt and threatening to kill someone if she doesn’t see you.”

“Oh shit,” you take off in a sprint opting for the stairs so you wouldn’t have to wait for the elevator. You almost fell at least 5 times running down the stairs. When you finally make it to the first floor you find the entire team circled around your Aunt Tess.

“Aunt Tess!” Your voice grabs her attention.

“You little rat bastard.” She stares you down and points her finger at you. “You haven’t called me in 2 weeks!”

“That’s not true!” You yell back. “I called you on friday but you didn’t pick up! And you 100% could’ve called me!”

“Well,” she stammers. “You should call me more often. I was worried.”

“I’m sorry.” You glance around. “How did you know how to find this place?”

“Don’t ask questions when you’re not ready for the answer.” She says while the team is just staring at the scene taking place in front of them. “Anyway it’s been a few months and I can guarantee that one of these people has offered to train you and you said no.”

Both she and Bucky look at you.

“Ok well-”

“No, (Y/N) it’s time to get off your ass and take me to the gym.” She said. Even if you tried to get out of this she would find a way to get you to do it. So you just skipped a few steps in leading her down to the gym. Luckily you had been wearing workout clothes already hoping to come down at 5. So you lead Tess down the the gym, and the avengers followed. You had hoped to avoid that. “Ok I think instead of sparring with me you should spar with,” she looks around at the team, “Romanoff.”

“Tess no.” You whined.

“With all due respect ma’am I don’t want to hurt her.” Natasha said thinking that you had never fought anyone before.

“Nonsense, I’d rather her hurt now than in a situation where she can’t take a break.”

“I don’t know why you’re making such big deal out of this, I don’t think I’ll ever be in a situation where I need to fight of super assassins.”

“Prepare for the worst now quit your yapping and get on with it.” Tess yelled from the sidelines.

You and Natasha turned towards each other. You started circling each other, she made some advancements which you dodged. You had been watching her fight for almost two months now, so you felt you knew at least part of her fight pattern.

She was about to start her usual combination of trying to kick her opponent to the ground, you had two choices you could let her take you down or you could take her down. You choose the first purely to piss off Tess. But you didn’t go down without a fight.

Tess made most of the team spar with you and you lost every time. Tess knew you were playing a game, she knew you could do a lot better than you were doing right now. The team was surprised by how long you could last against some of them, but you saw Tess’ face and knew that she was about to scold you. After the team left you and Tess stayed behind.

“What the hell was that?” She spat.

“I did what you asked.”

“(Y/N) this isn’t a game to me. I’m trying to help you prepare.” Tess rubbed her temples as if she had a headache.

“Aunt Tess if I can last even 20 seconds with an avengers I’m pretty sure I can last long enough to fight off someone who’s attacking me in the streets. I don’t know why you are making such a big deal of this.”

“Because you live with the Avengers. If someone were to try and get at them for something they could come after you, if-” she stopped, she had this look on her face. She wasn’t telling you something. “I just want you to be prepared for any possibility.”

“Ok, I will start training with them.” You promise.

“Thank you.” She sighs, and leads you out of the gm.

Something wasn’t adding up, she normally would’ve had a lot more questions about your new job. When you told her about it she just accepted it, and now she was taking your training more seriously than usual. And she knew where to find you.

“Hey (Y/N)!” Tony distracted you from your train of thought. “We for once can agree on where to eat do you and your aunt want to join us?” You looked to Tess who nodded.

“Sure. Let me change first.” Your previous thoughts were forgotten as you change and make your way to lunch.


	8. Chapter 8

1989

Retta had been in Siberia for a month. They hadn’t told her what her mission was yet. She was sitting in her office waiting for instructions when she got this feeling that she had forgotten to pack something.

“Retta!” Someone barked at her. “Come here, we have your assignment.”

She got up from her desk and walked out to see two guards and a suit waiting for her. Without another word, they led her down the halls that she had memorized in her first day here. They stopped at a chamber.

“The asset needs to come out of cyro,” The man in the suit told her. “And he will need to be controlled for a few years before we put him back under. If he gets out of hand just say the words written down on the paper.” He hands Retta a folded piece of paper.

He walked away and took the guards with him. Retta was very confused as to who the asset was and why they needed him. She stepped closer to the chamber to get a better look at what was inside. She couldn’t see anything so she turns the machine off and it opened. There was an objectively attractive man inside with a metal arm. He looked oddly familiar. She took a step back and looked at him for an hour trying to figure out who it was.

Retta was sure she’d seen him before and she was very good at remembering faces. She got closer to take his vitals.

“James,” she whispered and his eyes flew open. She looked him dead in the eyes and he furrowed his brows and looked back.

“Where am I? Who are you?” His voice was hoarse as if he hadn't used it in years.

“Shhh, wait a second.” Retta walked over to the computer, Bucky keeping a close eye on her the entire time. When logged in she double checked to see if the video’s had audio. Luckily for her, they didn’t. But just for good measure, she took out the cameras. “You probably a little groggy from sleeping for so long.”

“How long was I out?” He surveys the room, Retta looks at the file.

“20 years according to your files.” She looked at him and he was still surveying the room. “There are guards at the end of each hallway and cameras that I can’t control so trying to escape isn’t going to work.” She didn’t say it to threaten him, just for informational purposes

“That’s not what I was doing.”

“Really because it’s what I would be doing.” Retta full expects him to have a response but he’s silent.

He must be fully awake because he doesn’t say anything and he doesn’t try to fight her on anything he does. Retta puts the camera’s back up just in case they’ve noticed. She then gets to work making sure that he is physically stable. Just as she was finishing up four men come in and order Bucky to his feet. After the slightest of hesitations, he obeys. The lead him a few rooms away. Retta watches them as they leave.

Not five minutes after they leave she hears screams. Heart-wrenching screams, the screams that almost make her blow her cover and save him. But she doesn’t, she knows that this decision will come back in some form and bite her in the ass. After listening to it for a minute she empties the contents of her stomach into the trash.

That night she is curled up in bed after having to listen to them torture an innocent man she doesn’t have the strength to do much.

That’s when she remembers what she had forgotten to pack. Tampons, she had forgotten tampons. She glances at the calendar on the wall.

She makes her way to the offices and walks right up to soldier.

“I need to go into town.” She’s hoping that the confidence and authority in her voice will convince him not to ask questions.

“Why?” He leans against the wall.

“I need tampons.”

“Ugh fine let’s go no need to throw that word around.” He grimaced. Retta smiled to herself, that line always worked.

He took her into town, he told her to meet him back at the car in two hours. Retta quickly walked into a store grabbed tampons, snacks, a pregnancy test, pens, and a drink. The store clerk didn’t look like he cared at all that she was buy and rang her up. She left as fast as she could to a public restroom and downed the drink. She peed on the stick and waited the two minutes.

“Don’t turn blue, don’t turn blue,” she chanted in the bathroom. After two minutes she looked at the test. “Damn it.”

She went to a pay phone and called Sylvia.

“Hello?”

“I think there’s a bun in the oven.” Retta was praying that no one was following her. Sylvia didn’t say anything for a minute which made Retta believe she had hung up.

“Are you sure?”

“As sure as I can be without going to the hospital.” Retta closed her eyes and waited for Sylvia's response.

“Ok do what you can I’m coming to you.”

“No, Sylvia listen-” before Retta could tell her who the organization was she interrupted.

“Too late.” Sylvia hung up the phone.

Retta met the soldier back at the car. They drove back and as soon as she got back Retta made the decision to not hide this from them. Surely some of these people had families and she had never presented herself as a combat agent, only trained in combat if things got messy.

“Ah Retta,” the supervisor who was named Grant. If he wasn’t working for hydra he would be the type of person Retta could get along with. “You’re just the person I wanted to see, I noticed that you went into town. Is everything ok?”

“Almost sir, I went into town because I had a feeling. Turns out I’m pregnant.” Retta held her breath. He took a deep breath and leaned back in his chair. She had no idea how he was going to react.

“Are you keeping it?”

“Can I?” She was surprised that he went with this option.

“Oh, course you can Retta we aren’t monsters.” Not technically true. “Besides most of our non-combat staff have children, will you feel safe to continue your work with the soldier?”

“Yes.” There was no way in hell that they were letting Bucky Barnes out of her sight.

“Very well we can set you up with a doctor in town because I regret to inform you we don’t have any gynecologist on staff.” You both laugh at the joke though yours is a little more forced.

Well, that made her life easier.


	9. Chapter 9

Present day

It had been 3 months since you moved into the compound and things were going great. Your and Bucky’s sessions were going fantastic and there came a point where it just seemed like two friends talking. There was one day when it really changed.

“I swear I know you from somewhere.” Bucky says he offered to make you dinner and you were never one to say no to free food.

“Excuse me?”

“Oh I never told you this, but when you first moved in I swear I had seen you before but I was afraid of scaring you off so I didn’t say anything and I haven’t found anything in my journals.”

“Which one have you looked in?” He had mentioned before that he had a journal for his before and after and one for the during.

“All of them.” He shrugs.

“I thought that the during one brought back nightmares sometimes.”

“Yeah well, I get them anyway.”

“Bucky you know that my door is always open, whether it’s to talk about them or you just don’t want to be alone after one you can come get me.”

“Oh well if that’s the case I might take you up on that.” He smirked and you laughed.

The dinner he made was ok at best but you couldn’t really blame him, he was alive when really bland food was a thing. But the company was the best part, he made you laugh until you were crying and he was just being really sweet to you.

When he left that’s when you realized that he had been flirting with you.

Being a therapist you had laws that you had to follow but you also had 3 very important rules.

1.Don’t fall in love with your patient

2.Don’t fall in love with your patient

And 3. For the love of god Do Not Fall In Love With Your Patient.

You had never been one for following rules and you could feel yourself slowly breaking each one. Well, karma would definitely find a way to bite you in the ass for this one.

Bucky was in the gym, that’s where he went pretty constantly after hanging out with you. And yes he considered your ‘sessions’ hanging out. Recently they stopped feeling like sessions. He knew it was stupid and that he should find another person but he had a crush on you. And the more time he spent with you the more it felt like falling in love than it did a crush.

“Hey, Mr. Roboto.” Bucky turned to see Tony Stark getting on the treadmill next to him.

“Hi, Tony.” Bucky was surprised, to say the least, this was the first time anyone besides you and Steve and maybe Sam were voluntarily alone with him. “What’s up?”

“I just realized that you are probably the best person to gossip with.” Tony laughed. “You are like a ghost, you’re so quiet and people don’t notice you if you when they walk into a room.”

“Thank you?”

“Oh it’s a good thing, my friend, it’s a very good thing. So what’s going on with you and the shrink?” Tony wagged his eyebrows.

“Nothing, nothing is happening. Why would you even ask me that? Nothing is happening.”

“Yeah ok say it one more time and I’ll believe you.”

“Haha but seriously nothing is happening because that would be… inappropriate.” Bucky points out.

“Oh come on go-go gadget. Let’s be real you’re crushing on her hardcore.” He smirks.

“And what if I was?” Bucky turned off the treadmill and turned to Tony. “Who’s to say that she would also like me? Not only that she is one of the only friends that I have now and she’s my therapist. She probably has some rule where she can’t date her patients. And there’s no way she likes me back.”

“So you do like her!” Tony accused.

“How is that the only thing you got from what I just said?”

“Ok well we can always hire a new therapist and if you say you like her and she doesn’t share those feelings you can always avoid her for the rest of time. And you have me if you need a friend who actually knows how to work things from this century.”

“Ok, so what should I do then?”

“I’ll do recon and figure it out let’s make plans to meet here again let's say next week same time?” Tony searched the room.

“What is happening?”

“Great see ya then.” He smacked Bucky on the back and walked out of the gym.

Bucky stood there in shock, he didn’t miss what Tony had said about being his friend. It was odd that he had talked to Tony before Steve about you though.

“This is just asking for trouble,” Bucky said to himself as he left the gym.


	10. Chapter 10

“C’mon (Y/N) grow up and face the music.” You held your mother’s journal. Finally, you open up the book and start reading.

_September 21, 1988_

_I got an assignment today. Which is odd because I told him very clearly I was retiring. I’m pretty sure he is just being paranoid but he asked me for this favor. I was never really good at saying no to him. He doesn’t know where I’m going, I fear that I will never see him again._

_I’ve gone on assignments like this before but never have I had this feeling. I have this feeling that this will be my last one. So now I’m off to find something that might not even exist._

That was very vague. You wondered what was forcing your mother to be vague and who was sending her on a mission. You continued reading.

_October 23, 1988_

_I might have found the organization that he was talking about. Now I just have to get myself in there and hope that they accept me. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I fail. I don’t even have a plan on how to interact with them. I’m also not sure why I’m the only one working on this, it can’t be that big of a group if it took me a month to find them._

_Either way, I need to figure out who they are so I can go back to being retired._

It started getting interesting you learned that your mother might have actually been a spy a retired spy, but a spy. But that just made you wonder for who and who did she trust and respect so much that she came out of retirement. You had read four months of entries when you came across another interesting one.

_January 24, 1989_

_Well shit._

_This is going to mess up my plans._

That was it for that day and the page for the 25th had been ripped out.

Maybe she burned it. Maybe it was important so she handed it to her supervisor or something. Or maybe the people she was spying on had found her journal and ripped out that one page because it was important that no one ever found out about it. That one was a little more far-fetched because they could have just burned the entire book.

You spent all night reading most of the entries. There was a long one that caught your eye.

_April 15, 1989_

_I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have witnessed torture many times while undercover and I have never reacted like this before. I think it might be the hormones._

So this had been written while your mother was pregnant with you.

_These monsters are treating this poor man like he’s some sort of machine that they can just turn on and off and reset if they need to. But am I any better for just standing by and watching it happen? Maybe I’m worse because I’m not stopping them. But I have to keep my cover, at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I haven’t told Fury who I’ve found, hell I haven’t even told Sylvia. I really should._

“My mom knew Nicky Fury?” You breathe the words into the dark of night. You couldn’t imagine that there were that many people with the last name Fury who were spies. Which means your mother worked for SHIELD. You went back to the entry.

_But if I tell either of them they will pull me out and attack and I can’t leave James here. Not alone. He has no one to advocate for him, or at the least treat him with some sort of respect. I’ve noticed a pattern. They don’t want him to cause them any trouble so when he so much as talks back they wipe him. Sometimes if I call him by name he’ll recognize me. But most of the time that doesn’t work. He’s so confused, I don’t blame him they keep feeding him lies. Saying that they are going to save the world and that this is the only way to do that._

_I’m going to try and get him out. I don’t know how people back home would feel about him though, the technology that they use on him Howard Stark would never dream of because it’s that disgusting._

_I will have to tell Sylvia and Fury at some point but there’s no way that I will be able to talk myself into more time here, I’ll tell them after I figure out a way to get James Barnes out. But how am I going to tell them that I’ve kept Hydra a secret from them for months now?_

You instantly close the book. You set it on the nightstand and get up from your bed.

So your mother had been a SHIELD agent who Nick Fury had sent undercover, unknowingly, to hydra. And then had met Bucky, the man you had been helping work through the problems that Hydra had given him, but left him there. And then didn’t tell anyone that she was spying on hydra. If you weren’t so angry at her for leaving him with hydra you would have wondered why she didn’t keep with her plan to get him out.

You walk down to the gym, you needed to punch something. You walk over to the punching bags and start going to town. You could feel your anger deteriorating with each punch. After you felt less angry and were ready to go back upstairs you heard footsteps. You weren’t in the mood to talk to anyone, especially so you hid behind a locker near the door. And none other than the Bucky Barnes walks into the gym, in nothing but shorts. He’s hair clings to his face from all the sweat. You pause for a moment and watch him as he heads over to the punching bags and puts in headphones.

He had probably had a nightmare. You remembered what you had said to him earlier about your door being open and felt terrible. You wonder if he had gone looking for you upstairs, he probably had. You almost go over to him but then you remembered what you had just found out and knew if you did you would either start crying or get really mad again. You wanted to go upstairs and go to sleep but you couldn’t. So you went up to the roof to get fresh air.


	11. Chapter 11

Bucky had woken up in the middle of the night from a dream but it was more like a memory. He didn’t know if it counted as a nightmare because he wasn’t frantic, he wasn’t in a cold sweat, and he didn’t wake himself up screaming. And it was a memory from when he was being held by hydra.

It was from one of the times he was taken out of cyro. There was a woman there who looked a lot like you, there was no doubt in his mind. He didn’t know her name, but she had been the nicest person there. She was nothing but kind to him whenever she could be and how did he repay her?

No, he wouldn’t think of that. So he put in his headphones and went down the gym. He blasted his music and took out his anger on punching bags.

He didn’t notice you standing in the back wanting to make sure he was ok. He just focused on his own workout. He wanted to go talk to you but he didn’t want to tell talk about it, more importantly, he didn’t want to admit what he did.

He stopped, it had just clicked.

If he knew your mother in hydra that means she worked for hydra. So did that mean that you knew your mother had been in hydra? We’re you also hydra. You couldn’t be, you wouldn’t have been hired if you were. Would you?

He didn’t know who he should talk to first if he talked to Tony or Steve or anyone else on the team actions could be taken without proof. He didn’t know Fury enough to call him without talking to Steve or Tony first. He could just talk to you but there was a chance that you were a spy and that could be very bad.

He needed air. He headed up to the roof, sure that you wouldn’t be there. So when he saw you sitting there staring at the moon he froze. He didn’t say anything as you turned to him with a similar expression on your face.

“Bucky,” you said breathlessly and then cleared your throat. “I actually need to talk to you about something.”

“I need to talk to you too.” He finally moved and made his way over to where you were. He wasn’t sure what he would say to you. But he was going with his gut that was telling him that you weren’t hydra. “But you can go first.”

“Ok,” you sigh. “Wow, I’m not even sure where to start. Well um, I think I know why you think I look familiar.”

“What?”

“I was reading this journal that my mother kept in the late 80s early 90s, and it talked about going undercover in for some organization. And then she mentions you. So I guess my mother knew you.”

“You’re mother was undercover?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh thank god.” He felt a weight roll off his shoulders. “I just had a flash of a memory, you are a spitting image of your mother by the way, and she was there and I was afraid that you might be hydra, or not know or something.”

“What would you have done if I was hydra?” You ask him.

“I don’t know.” His relief is short-lived. He knew there was no way it was in the journal but he still feared, feared he wouldn’t be the one to tell you. “How far have you gotten in the journal?”

“Not very far, I only got to the part where she’s found out that she’s pregnant.”

“Did she know that she was working for hydra?”

“I don’t know.” You tell him. “So why did you come up here?”

“Well, I didn’t think that you would be up here to be quite honest.” He smiles.

“Well I did, I like the view from up here.” You look back at the moon. “I really like the night sky.”

“Really?” He asks, and not once did he take his eyes off you. Damn Tony getting in his head, but he was right. Bucky had a giant crush on you.

“Yeah,” You smile. “Even when things are bad, the night sky is still beautiful, and makes everything not so bad.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“Do you do that too?” You looked at him.

“Not with the night sky,” He smiles at you.

“What is it? If you don’t mind me asking.” He wasn’t sure if you were asking as a friend or his therapist.

“I’m not sure I should tell you.” He wasn’t sure how but you two had gravitated closer to each other.

“Hmmm,” you turn back to the sky and he looks with you. He stood there with his arms at his sides and when you put your arms at your sides one brushed up against his. He was very aware of how easy it would be to just reach his fingers a centimeter and touch you. “Ya know, as a therapist, I have to follow the unwritten rules that we have for ourselves. And I can feel myself breaking them.”

“What are they?”

“I don’t want to tell you yet.” You both look into the eyes of the other.

“Well, will it be worth it?”

“I really hope so.”

God, he wanted to kiss you. He wasn’t sure if he should, there was so much standing in the way. And he couldn’t remember the last time he’d kissed somebody, but it definitely wasn’t this century. So he would wait. Wait until he had some sort of sign that you wanted it as badly as he did.

“It’s getting pretty late.” He said. “I should go inside. Good night (Y/N).”

“Wait,” You stop him from walking away and pull him to face you. So now here you are face to face. You didn’t say or do anything for a minute. “Are you mad at me?”

Bucky didn’t know what he was expecting, that’s a lie he was hoping that you would kiss him.

“Why would I be mad at you?”

“My mom didn’t save you.” You were still holding on to his arm.

“No, I’m not mad at you. And she might not have gotten me away from Hydra, but she did save me.” He tells you. “Good night (Y/N), I’ll see tomorrow.”

“Night Bucky.” You let his arm go as he walks away.

He wanted to get some sleep but he laid in bed that night thinking about you. He wanted to know what rules you were breaking. He wanted to know the real reason to why you stopped him from leaving the first time. He wondered what would happen when you got farther in the journal. He even thought about destroying the journal before you got that far, or just ripping out the last page.


	12. Chapter 12

1989

“C’mon ma’am you gotta push.” The doctor said. Retta was trying, she really was but it’s hard to be excited when your bestfriend can’t be in the room with you because an agent of hydra is. Retta still hadn’t gotten around to telling Sylvia about who they were. But at the moment she was a little preoccupied. The man standing next to her, who Grant had sent, was not very much help. His name was Tyler or something. “Sir, do you want to help her?”

“Uh,” he looked at Retta with a stupid expression on his face and she just glared at him. “You’re doing great?”

“Thanks, Phillip,” She growls.

“It’s actually Colin.” He corrects.

“I don’t fucking care, AAAARRRGGGG.” She screamed as she pushed for what would be the last time. Then she heard it. The cry of her baby.

“Congratulations, you have a baby girl.” The doctor smiled and Retta chuckled. Retta only got to hold you for a second before the doctor took you away. “Now we are just going to make sure that she is ok, and someone is going to come to check your vitals.”

After what felt like forever a nurse brought you back to her.

“Do you know what you’re going to name her?” The nurse asked.

“Not yet.” Retta was lying she knew what your name was. She just didn’t want ‘Colin’ to hear it. So she would give you a fake name until she was able to get you out of here.

/

For the first year and a half of your life, you went by a fake name but your mother almost exclusively called you little bug. You also spent that first year and a half running around a hydra facility. Retta wondered if you would ever hold it against her that she let you grow up around hydra agents, she hoped that even if you did someday get angry at her she hoped that you would come to understand and forgive her. But you were safe as much as she hated to say it, the agents here didn’t seem to mind you, they actually seemed to love you.

That all changed the night Retta went to see Grant and overheard a conversation when she was going to talk to him about something or another but she couldn’t remember after what she heard.

“What about that Retta girl?” Someone asked.

“Well, we are just going to have to take care of her. She’s been getting along with the asset right?” Grant asks.

“Yeah, I think so why?”

“Let’s have him take care of her. And keep the kid alive, I have a feeling we can shape her into the perfect soldier.” Retta could hear the smile in Grant’s voice. “Oh and Colin, wait until dark, I don’t want everyone talked about how we let a SHIELD agent compromise us.”

“Sir if she really is an agent of SHIELD don’t you think she would have told her contact by now?” Colin that bastard.

“I don’t think so, and I don’t think she will.”

“Why not?”

“Because her child’s life is at stake.”

Retta didn’t waste any time after that. She rushed back to the room where you had been sleeping. She started packing everything she needed and her journal. That was it. She would meet Sylvia in town and hand you off to her.

With a series of the best sneaking around she’s ever done with you sleeping in her arms she somehow made it to a car and got out of there. She knew that they would figure it out a lot sooner than she wanted but she also knew that they were sending the winter soldier after her after dark.

“What the hell is happening?” Sylvia asked Retta. Retta had parked the car 3 miles away and walked to Sylvia’s house.

“They know I’m a spy. You need to take her.” Retta handed Sylvia her bag and turned her attention over to you. “Ok little bug you listen and you listen close.”

“Mama,” that was the only distinguishable word you said, the rest was just sounds.

“I love you, so much. And you be good for your Aunt Sylvia, she’s going to take good care of you while I’m gone.” She kissed your forehead. “Change your name and don’t go back to SHIELD they know I was an agent there. Fury will help you with anything you need. I had a real name for her picked out, it’s written down-”

“I already know what it is you’ve told me.”

“Ok,” she had so much more that she wanted to say to you but she didn’t have the time. She handed you over to the only person she would trust with her daughter. “Little bug I need you to remember, forgiveness, the people who don’t think they deserve it are the ones who deserve it the most.”

“Cynthia,” Retta almost didn’t even recognize her own name. She looked up at Sylvia. “I love you and be safe.”

“Sylvia.”

“Just go, We’ll be fine.”

Retta smiled and gave you one last kiss.

“Bye, sweetie.”

“Bye bye mama.” You said.

And that was the last time you would ever see your mother.


	13. Chapter 13

1991

The start of the new year. Retta sat on the sofa in front of the fire. She had been thinking about it, if she had stayed in retirement she could be out enjoying the festivities. But she didn’t regret what she did. She had you and she had helped James Barnes as best she could. She wanted to reach out to Sylvia to ask her if she had read the journal. Probably not she was very good at respecting the privacy of those she trusted.

Retta knew what was coming, she was allowing it to catch up with her. She was tired of running. She was hoping that after this wild goose chase she had sent Hydra on that they would postpone trying to find you.

She hadn’t seen you in a few months and there were times when she was so tempted to say fuck it and go see you. But she had no idea where you were or what Sylvia had changed her name to.

She heard the footsteps, they were quiet but she was listening for them. After a minute a figure walks into the room.

“James.” Retta sips her tea.

“Who the hell is James?” Retta looks at Barnes and gives him a sad smile.

“What’s with the theatrics? I know you could’ve taken that shot from miles away. So why are you here with a gun to my head?” Retta stared him down. He had his finger on the trigger the entire time.

“They want to know where your daughter is.”

“And they sent you to find out?” After he said nothing she continued. “But I assume that after I tell you they want you to kill me. Because they think it’s funny that I have shown you compaction and now you are going to kill me.”

All he did was stand there at the ready.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to save you. I really thought I could.” She takes another sip of her tea. “You won’t find her, she’s dead, she got sick and she died.” Retta starts tearing up. She was pulling every trick out for this. Hoping that her lie would be taken at face value.

“James, I don’t blame you for this.” Those were her last words she spoke before he pulled the trigger.

/

Somewhere on the other side of the planet, you were with your Aunt Tess. That’s what she had changed her name to, Theresa or Tess. And you were finally going by your actual name, it had taken a few months but you were finally responding to your name.

Tess had never seen herself as a mother, she was never sure on whether or not she would have them. But she did love you like her own. She made a promise that day when you were handed to her that she would tell you stories about your mom so that way you could at least try and feel like you knew her.

The week after Retta’s death Tess got a visit from the last person she ever expected to find her. Actually, She really shouldn’t have been that surprised.

“Fury what are you doing here?” She stepped out of the apartment where you were sleeping.

“They found her body.” Fury didn’t waste any time with greetings. Tess looked shocked, no offense to  Retta but Tess didn’t think she could last as long as she did. “Do you know if she found anything out?”

“No.”

“Sylvia-”

“That is not my name.” She said in a hushed tone.

“Fine, but you have to tell me if you know something.”

“Well, I don’t. Now if you would kindly leave.” Tess starts to walk back in.

“Did she say anything the last time you saw her?” His voice softens. For some reason, this pisses Tess off more than she can handle.

“What about you?” She slowly starts to lose control of her emotions. “No, she didn’t say anything she told me she was going on the run. And to be quite frank, this is your fault.”

“My fault? How in the hell is this my fault?”

“You sent her undercover with no prior knowledge of who she was spying on! Not only that but you pulled her out of retirement.”

“She could’ve said no! You and I both know that Cynthia doesn’t do anything she doesn’t want to!” Fury was in a rage, how dare this woman blame him for one of his dearest friends.

“Bullshit Fury, you and I both know that she would do anything for us, she loved you. We were her only family.” Tess was yelling now forgetting that she had just put you down for the night. “And when you went to her with this mission that you needed help on you didn’t really give her a chance to say no.”

That’s when the door swung open to reveal a very grumpy you with a pacifier in your mother and a teddy in your hand.

“Great and now you’ve woken up the baby.” Tess turned to you. “C’mon sweetie let’s put you back to bed.”

Fury walked in watching Tess talk you back to your bed. You glared at him and he was amazed by how much attitude could be inside such a small human. When Tess returned Fury stared at her for a moment.

“Is that yours?” He spoke.

“Don’t play stupid Nick she’s a spitting image of her mother.” Tess spat annoyed that he was even still here.

“She didn’t have her before I asked her did she?” He hadn’t known about her there was no way but he had to make sure.

“I think if she had it would have been the only thing that would make her consider saying no.” Tess’ anger melted away. “No, she had her about a year into the assignment.”

“Do you need anything?” The least Nick could do was uphold his promise to you.

“Not from the likes of you get the hell out of my house.” Tess tried to sound mean but her world was crashing down on her. She had assumed your mother had been dead for months but every day she held out the slightest bit of hope that Cynthia would show up at her door ready to take you back.

And maybe that’s why she was really angry at Fury because he happened to be the person who gave her the news. Tess never even got to properly say goodbye.

“T-t” your voice pulled Tess out of her thoughts. She smiled at you, she loved that you could say her name yet.

“What’s up kid?” She asks and in response, you lift up your arms. She rolls her eyes and picks you up and takes you back to bed and this time she falls asleep next to you.


	14. Chapter 14

Present day

It had been 2 weeks since that night on the roof.

And your feelings kept growing, your sessions had become almost nonexistent. You weren’t angry, his progress from the beginning was great and you definitely couldn’t spend time with him in a professional setting. The longer it was between seeing him the more you fell for him when you did see him.

So today you were sitting in the living room downstairs reading a book. Even though you could just as easily do it in your room but you felt like you were closing yourself off when you did that.

You were minding your own business when Tony Stark walks in and plops into the spot next to you. You don’t pay him any attention until he leaned up against you and sighed dramatically.

“Can I help you?” You don’t look up from your book.

“I was just thinking about how life is short and we should take the opportunities we have while we still have them.” He was still leaning on you which made it hard to turn the page.

“That’s nice Tony.”

“So,” he sits upright and takes your book.

“Hey,” you protest. “I’m still reading that.”

“Look, kid, we need to talk.” He got really serious you weren’t sure you’d ever seen Tony this serious, towards you at least.

“Ok, what’s up?” You turn to face him.

“Ok, it’s nothing bad I just need some advice.” He assures you. “So, this is completely hypothetical by the way, so say I have this friend.”

“What’s his name?”

“Ok well, first of all, I never said it was a male and he’s hypothetical anyway so he doesn’t have a name but yes he is a male. So say I have this friend and he has feelings for his,” he thinks for a second. “Boss and he wants to ask his boss out, but he’s afraid if he does it will change their relationship. And he likes the relationship they have now but he wants to see if there’s something more. So I guess my question is what would you do if you were the boss in this situation?”

“Well, who’s the guy?”

“Very interesting follow-up question.” That’s all he says as he walks out the door. You roll your eyes and go back to your book.

Not 2 minutes go by before someone, whom you assume to be Tony, walks into the room.

“Tony I swear to god-” you slam your book.

“Hey (Y/N),” you hear a voice who that does not belong to Tony.

“Oh hey, Steve.” The annoyance in your voice quickly dissipates. “What’s up?”

“We are going out tonight as a group did you want to come?” He has this look on his face as if he already knows the answer. You usually said no because you felt as if they were inviting you to be polite.

“Yeah sure.” You can see the shock on his face when you say that.

“Really? Great. We’re leaving around 8.” He smiles and walks away.

You spent the rest of the day in peace reading which was odd. You should’ve been interrupted by at least Sam or Clint.

When it was finally 8 you walk down and the whole group is waiting for you. You were wearing high waisted shorts, a crop top, and some slip on shoes. You didn’t look bad but you didn’t try very hard, knowing that you were going to a club and knowing that nothing except dancing would happen for you tonight.

Halfway through the night you were dancing facing Natasha and Wanda and someone came up behind you and started dancing with you. You were secretly hoping it was Bucky but from the lack of metal hand, you decided it wasn’t him. You glanced at Wanda and Natasha silently asking them if he was cute and they gave you the all clear.

While you were dancing with this stranger you couldn’t stop yourself from wishing it was Bucky. Even though you knew that this wasn’t his scene and he probably wouldn’t want to dance with you anyway. The longer you danced with this stranger the more anxious you got. You were trying to think of ways to get yourself out of this when he grabbed your hand and lead you away from the crowd. He led you to the alleyway in the back and leaned you up against the wall. He wasn’t being rough or anything just urgent.

“Baby what’s wrong?” He asked when he felt you resisting.

“I don’t want to do this and don’t call me baby.” You said and he stopped and looked you up and down.

“Why you think that you can do better than me?” He said it as an insult to you. “Because believe me you can’t I’ve seen the other girls in there. Your two friends damn but I thought that you would want it more. I’m doing you a favor.”

“Oh sorry I didn’t realize that’s what was happening here.” You elbowed him in the face, swiftly punched him in the gut, and kneed him in the junk. “Thank you for choosing me I don’t know how I will ever do better than you.” You sneer and walk back into the club.

You looked for anyone one you knew and couldn’t find anyone. So you just walked out hoping to hail a cab or something.

You stood there on the sidewalk waiting for a cab when you felt a drop.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” You mutter as you felt more drops and have them speed up. “Great.”

“Waiting for something?” You turn to find Bucky standing behind you. “What happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“When Wanda and Nat came back to the group i looked to make sure you were good and I didn’t see you. So I went looking for you and watched you walk out the door.” You smiled at this.

“You went looking for me?” You ask.

“Of course I did I was worried about you.” He said it as if it were the most obvious fact in the world. “You headed home?”

“Yeah.”

“Want some company?” He smiled and you nodded.

You stood there with him waiting for a cab in the rain and you could stop thinking of how cute he looked soaked from the rain. It didn’t go unnoticed how close he was standing next to you. You could feel his body heat radiating off of him. When you finally got into the cab you legs kept brushing yours and the almost contact was driving you crazy.

You held your breath the entire cab ride back and when you finally out of the cab you feel like you can breathe again. You felt his eyes on you the walk up the driveway.

“(Y/N)?” He grabbed your wrist on the doorstep of the compound. The rain was falling so hard it was almost hard to see. “I don’t want to play this game anymore.”

“What do you mean?” You step towards him, knowing what he means but daring him to do it.

He suddenly cups your face and pulls you in. You smile into the kiss and pull his shirt to get him closer to you. Time doesn’t exist when you’re kissing him, you can’t tell if it’s stopped or sped up, but it doesn’t matter all you know is that you don’t want this to end.

He fumbles with the door handle doing everything he can not break the kiss. He grabs one of your legs and you instinctively jump, he carries you over to the elevator and slams the button.

“I’m sure they’re fine Steve,” Sam yells opening the door. The unexpected company forces you apart. You both frantically try to fix yourselves up but that proves difficult from the rain. You face the elevator knowing that your lipstick is smudged. “See there they are safe and sound and soaking wet.”

“Hey guys,” Bucky turns to face them. While you attempt to fix your lipstick. “What’s up?”

“We didn’t see you at the club and we got worried because you didn’t say bye,” Steve says.

“God damn it, Steve,” You mutter under your breathe.

“And Sam said you two probably just went home,” Steve stops mid-sentence. “Sorry guys.”

You hear his footsteps walk away from you. You start shaking with silent laughter. After a moment you let it out.

“Are you ok?” Bucky lightly laughs.

“Yeah, it’s just,” you say in between gasps for air. “Of course this happens to me.”

“Well, maybe we can finish this later.” He winks which sends you into another fit of giggles.


	15. Chapter 15

The next day you were smiling like a damn fool. And everyone noticed, Steve looked happy for you, Wanda and Natasha thought it was cute (that didn’t stop them from giving you shit about it), and the rest of them just gave you shit. Bucky shared a similar expression, every time you would catch a glimpse of each other your smiles would widen and everyone had a reaction to it, most of the time it was a gagging noise.

You had finally got up the courage to start reading the journal again, it was mostly the same thing about hydra and closer to the due date she talked about how over being pregnant she was, until an August entry.

August 31, 1989

Today I learned something that disgusts me. I had previously thought that James’ inability to remember was due to the fact that he was being kept in a Cyro chamber for extended periods of time. That is not the case they take his memories and brainwash him into submitting to a few words that they say. I am such a fool for not putting it together sooner.

They have trained him to be the perfect killer, although I believe they have missed something. I’m not sure yet I’ll look into it though.

After that, there were pages missing, and then one page with only one thing scribbled in.

Remember to forgive those who don’t know how to forgive themselves.

“Wow thanks, mom, that’s super specific.” You turn the page to find the rest of them blank.

You close the book and walk down to the fully stocked kitchen. Before you could satisfy your hunger you come face to face with two people that you haven’t seen since you started reading the journal.

“(Y/N),” your Aunt Tess sees the anger in your face.

“What are you doing here Fury?” You cross your arms.

“I’m here to check in, I am the one who hired you after all.” He raised an eyebrow at you. You were trembling with rage. In an attempt to control it you clench your hands into fists but it’s not working.

“So why didn’t you tell me that you two knew each other let alone the fact that you knew my mother.” You had no idea why this was making you so angry. You were so enraged that you didn’t notice Tony, Steve, and Bucky walk into the room. “God forbid you mention that she was an agent for SHIELD.”

“Your mom worked for SHIELD?” Steve and Tony ask in unison.

“She was but she retired,” Tess told them.

“Until Nick Fury pulled her out for one last assignment. Did you ever find out who she was spying on for you?”

“She never told me but when I figured it out it was too late.” He’s seemingly very calm throughout the whole thing but he was the director of SHIELD  for a while and you don’t get that way with a temper.

“Do you know who killed her?” Tears threatened to fall from your eyes. Fury and Tess quickly glanced at someone behind you. You didn’t have to turn around to know. But you did. You turned around to see Bucky with an expression you couldn’t quite read on his face.

You ran out the door, you didn’t know where you were going but you knew that if he decided to follow you he could easily catch up. You didn’t look back in hopes to prolong the inevitable. You slowed down to a stop at somewhere in the words that are the backyard of the compound.

You’re breathing is erratic and loud so you don’t hear the first one. But when you are working on getting your breath in control you hear it. The snap of a tig. You freeze waiting for another sound to tell you that it wasn’t an animal. When you didn’t hear it you took off running again back toward the compound.

You hadn’t realized how far you had run until you were running back. That’s when you ran into someone and fell flat on your back. You quickly get back to your feet and get in a position to fight.

“Woah (Y/N) calm down it’s me.” Steve puts his hand out in front of him showing you he meant no harm.

“Jesus Christ Steve you scared the hell out of me.” You bend over trying to catch your breath, again.

“Ya know for someone who’s running from the compound you seem to be running in the wrong direction.” He jokes.

“I thought I heard something, but I guess it was an animal or something.”

“You sure?” He gives you a look.

“Yeah you didn’t see anything did you?”

“No, I guess not.” He looks around scanning the grounds.

“So why did you follow me?” You seemed to have confused him, judging by the look he’s giving you. “What?”

“(Y/N), you’ve been gone for like an hour.”

“No, because I’ve been running the whole time, I can’t run that long.”

“Adrenaline is a funny thing.” He laughs. “C’mon.” He offers you his back and you jump at the chance to not walk or run anymore.

“What happened after I left?” You didn’t realize how close your mouth was to his ear until just then.

“Well Bucky tried to run after you but we thought it best if you have a minute alone. Your Aunt Tess dropped something off for you and she and Fury left. And when you didn’t come back after the first half an hour Bucky almost set off alarms and I offered to come look for you. And that’s it.”

“I don’t blame him, ya know.” You whisper.

“I know.”

“I was just shocked.”

“I know.” He nods. “But I think you should tell him that.”

“Yeah,” you sigh.

Steve put you down when you got back to the compound. Bucky was pacing in from of the door when you got back and let relief run flow through him when he saw you.

“(Y/N) you scared me.” He goes to hug you and then remembers what had just happened. “I’m really glad you’re ok.”

“I was only gone for an hour, Buck.”

“Yeah but you never leave for more than 10 minutes without your headphones and you didn’t come back for them and I let my imagination get the better of me.”

You felt the corners of your mouth turn up slightly. It was sweet that he cared for you so much.

“We need to talk.” You say. He nods and walks out the door and you follow. He stands a few steps outside the house.

“It’s a dumb question but is it true?” His silence is all the answer you need.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I wasn’t sure how. And then everything else started happening.”

“Bucky.” He stops talking and looks at you. “I wish you had been the one to tell me. Even if it had been the wrong time. Just give me a day or two to process. Ok?”

“Whatever you need.”


	16. Chapter 16

You lay in bed staring at the ceiling. You were trying to sleep but your mind was going 100 miles per hour. You didn’t know what to do with the information going through your head. Yesterday you had learned that the man you were falling for had pulled the trigger of the gun that killed your mom.

“Aren’t they the same person?”

“Would you have done that if they hadn’t said the trigger words?”

“No.”

The memory pops up seemingly random. It’s there in that moment you a reminder of what your mother had written in her journal.

Remember to forgive those who don’t know how to forgive themselves.

Was that a reminder for her or was she sending you a message from beyond? The latter seemed the least likely of the two. You sit up and turn on the light. You grab the journal and a pen.

15 minutes later you were standing outside Bucky’s door. You had almost knocked three times but each time you stopped yourself. The fourth time you almost knocked you noticed that there was no noise coming from his room. You lean your ear against the door.

It was a rare night that he wasn’t having a nightmare. You quietly open the door just to make sure he’s in there. He is, he’s draped across his bed looking the most peaceful you’ve ever seen him. You tiptoe over next to his bedside.

“Hey Bucky,” you whisper not wanting to wake him. “I know I’ll probably tell you this again in the morning but I couldn’t sleep not telling you. Actually, it’s 4:30 am so you’ll be up soon. But I just had to let you know that, even though you don’t need me to, I forgive you. You have no reason to need forgiveness from me. You had no control over it. I love you.”

That last one shocked you and you quickly and quietly got out of his room before he could wake up. You went back to your room and changed into workout clothes and grabbed your headphone and phone.

“FRIDAY?” You were at the front door ready to go for a jog or a walk, you hadn’t decided yet.

“Yes (Y/N)?” The female sounds AI voice asks.

“I’m going for a jog if anyone wakes up before I get back will you tell them if they ask where I am?”

“Yes (Y/N).”

“Thanks.” And with that, you were out the door.


	17. Chapter 17

A week before Nick gave you the job

“What is it, Theresa?” Fury was leaning up against a wall on the shadowed side.

“Really with the dramatics?” Tess had her phone to her ear.

“Things have changed since the 80s and I’ve lost most of my opportunities to be dramatic. So yeah I take every chance I got. Now, what do you need?” Nick urged.

“It’s (Y/N), I think she’s in danger.” The change in Tess’ voice worried Fury.

“How do know?” He kept his cool facade.

“I just know ok? I need you to help me get her someplace safe.”

“Ok but I don’t want complaints of where I put her.”

“Nick, of course, I’m going to complain but I have a feeling I know where you’re thinking of. And I have to say I agree.” She glances around making sure no one is lingering.

“You agree with me?” Nick and Tess agreed on hardly anything and when they did it was always a shock to both of them.

“Yes, putting her in a building with superheroes might actually work.” She sighs.

“You know who else is in there right?” If Fury kept this information from Tess she would try to kill him and honestly probably succeed.

“Probably not who you’re talking about no.” She didn’t have time to worry herself with what Fury was up to in his spare time.

“The Winter Soldier is there.” He paused.

“Isn’t that the guy-”

“Yes. But he was under mind control. He can’t be controlled like that anymore but is that going to be a problem?”

Tess thought about it for a moment. Cynthia was always one to forgive people and she would want Tess to do that too. “No, it won’t be a problem.”

“Ok, I’ll see what I can do.”

“She’s got a degree in psychology if that helps,” Tess added and then left.

Tess really should have told you about this.

/

Present day

Tess was on her way to see you to tell you about the danger that she feared you were in. When she arrived at the compound everyone was up and eating breakfast.

“Where’s (Y/N)?” Tess asked most of the team hadn’t noticed her entrance.

“Miss (Y/N) went on a jog,” FRIDAY spoke.

“Like outside?” Normally that would be weird to Tess but you had something bothering you and you ran outside when that happened. “Ok, when will she be back?”

“She didn’t say.” The AI responded.

“Well, how long ago did she leave?” Tess folded her arms.

“She left at 4:50 am.” And it went silent.

/

You woke up in a dimly lit room. You went to move your body but you didn’t budge. You looked down at your arms and noticed rope holding you in place.

This is why you don’t run outside, you had seen too many criminal minds episodes.  

“Stay calm and asses, stay calm and asses.” You repeated it as a mantra. You stopped saying it to listen, you didn’t hear anything except for the hum of a machine. “How ya gonna get ya self outta this one?”

A million things were going through your head at once. You couldn’t come up with a plausible explanation as to why someone had kidnapped you. There had to be one right? Because you weren’t sure if you could handle being kidnapped for no reason at all. If they had a reason you could play into it whatever it was they wanted to stall for time.

There was no doubt in your mind that someone would come looking for you. If not your friends, your Aunt would move heaven, hell, and everything in between to save you.

“Well, well, well, look who finally decided to wake up.” A figure stepped out from the shadows and took a power stance. “It’s good to see you again.”

“Who are you?” There was not an ounce of anger in your voice, purely confusion.

“You don’t remember me,” he dropped his stance. “Of course you don’t remember me you were one. I’m Grant.”

“Ok, who are you?”

“Your mother used to work for me, or at least she was spying on me for SHIELD.” He said. So he was hydra, that still didn’t answer the question as to why he had taken you. You thought it best not to ask too many questions, or ya know he might try to kill you. “It’s funny the older you get the more and more you look like her.”

You glare at him in silence.

“Ya know I really liked your mother. She was always so well put together. Even when she was pregnant with you, she never showed her cards all at once. She would show you a peek of one and then wait until you forgot about it before showing a little bit of the next.” He turns to a table nearby.

“What does that even mean?” You mouth for your own benefit.

“She had a way with the soldier. He listened to her and she didn’t even need the trigger words. I have for years wondered what she did to get him to do that.”

“Maybe treat him like a human being?” You offer.

“Ya see, I didn’t even think of that.” Ok so now it was clear that this guy is off his rocker. “So how did you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Get him to trust you like he does?” He kneeled and put his face so close to yours you could taste his breath. “Was it because you know his secrets from being his psychiatrist? Maybe it’s because you look so much like your mother you’ve confused him. I was sure as hell confused when I saw you for the first time in years. I saw you and was like ‘I thought I had her killed?’. So why do you think it is?”

More silence.

“Oh no, he fell in love with you didn’t he.” You didn’t stop yourself from laughing.

“I doubt it.”

“Oh see I don’t. When you took out the guy I hired to get you at the club I saw the way he was looking at you on the street.” If he had seen that you couldn’t help but wonder what else he’s seen, and that sent a shiver down your spine. “I know the look of love when two people are too stupid to admit to themselves.”

He gave you an eerie smile and walked out of the room. You still had no idea what he wanted, was he getting revenge on your mother for something or was this some extravagant plan to get the winter soldier back. You’d be lying if you said that the fact that he was hydra wasn’t also a factor into how scared you were of him.

A few seconds later he came back and injected you with something, it burned. It set your entire body on fire from the inside out.

“Oh, you and I are going to have so much fun together.”


	18. Chapter 18

‘Just wait, something will come up soon’ that’s what they had told him. Well, it had been a week and Bucky was not in the mood to just sit around while you were still missing. He couldn’t sit still, it was physically impossible for him. Any time Tony or Steve would force him to sit and eat his leg would shake, or he would fidget his hand.

“Bucky I promise you that we will find her.” Tony put his hand on Bucky’s. Bucky looked at Tony he let the smallest saddest smile show his gratitude for this. “But I need you to be patient ok? We will get more done here using everything we’ve got to find her. Sending people out looking for her is a waste of time and resources.”

Bucky nodded. He started wandering around the compound, he’s been doing that a lot the past week. And when he’s not he’s in the gym, but more likely he’s on the roof. He spends a lot of nights up there remembering why you liked the night sky so much.

The next morning Tess and Fury barge into the compound and start barking orders at people. More so Tess than Fury which was an odd feeling for the Avengers.

“Woah!” Clint yelled the two of them stopped at looked to the Birdman. “You two need to slow down and tell us what is going on.”

“We’ve found her and we need to go get her right now.” Fury was the one who answered.

Bucky was the first one to grab what he needed and get on the quinjet.


	19. Chapter 19

“Aren’t we having fun together?” Grant smiled as he towered over you.

If you had the strength for a witty response you would have given it to him. But you didn’t, you were trying to save whatever strength you had left, you had a plan. Well, you had a part of a plan, ok maybe you had the P and the L, but not much else.

The dimness of the room and lack of windows caused you to lose track of the days. So you had no idea whether or not the team was coming now or if they would even make it.

You weren’t sure if you were going to make it much longer. He kept injecting you with something saying that he had a new formula to test.

It always started out the same, like someone was putting hot lava into your veins and trying to melt off your skin. Then your stomach would try and turn itself inside out, on top of the burning. Another feeling would start but at that point, you always blacked out from the pain.

“Why are you doing this?” You had asked before but he never answered.

“Because,” he clasped his hands on yours. “I was never able to finish my research because of your mother. So I thought what better person to help me figure it out than her daughter. Besides, I need a new winter soldier and I’m wondering if that could be you.” He leans real close to whisper in your ear, “Hydra isn’t done yet.”

He paused for a moment, that’s when you heard it. Footsteps above you, you smile and look at Grant.

He grabs a roll of duct tape and seals your mouth closed. He hides in a cupboard under the stairs and presses one finger to his lips. Just as he’s closing the door you see Bucky at the top of the stairs. He holds a gun and a flashlight as he scans the room. When he doesn’t see anything except you, he runs down the stairs.

“MMMMmm!” The duct tape prevented you from saying what you wanted, which was, behind you.

“I’m here we’ll get out of this.” He says and goes for the ropes first instead of the duct tape. You keep your eyes on the cupboard door the entire time.

“Ok let’s get out of here.” Bucky lifts you up, you were so focused on the door you hadn’t noticed the ropes were gone.

You tear the tape off your mouth but it’s too late. Grant slams open the door and lifts his gun towards Bucky, you place yourself in front of him. Bucky sees him and points his gun. You hear two gunshots almost simultaneously.

> “So you like him?”
> 
> “I don’t know Natasha.” You look at the redheaded girl sitting in front of you. “I shouldn’t I’m his fucking therapist.”
> 
> “The heart wants what it wants.” Wanda said laying on your bed.
> 
> “Thanks Wanda,” you deadpan. “But I have rules, three to be exact and they are there for a reason. So that I don’t make the mistake of making things awkward and my patients don’t have to go find a new therapist.”
> 
> “What are your rules?” Wanda sat up.
> 
> “Let’s see, don’t fall in love with your patients, don’t fall in love with your patients, and oh yeah don’t fall in love with your patients.”
> 
> “Well rules were made to be broken.” Natasha sang.
> 
> “No that’s the opposite reason of why they were made.” You argue.
> 
> “Listen sweetie, I think you should just go for it.” Natasha grabbed your hands. “I think, no, I know for a damn fact that he is very into you.”
> 
> “I fucking doubt that.” You retort.
> 
> “Natasha’s right hon, I can see it.” Wanda smiled
> 
> “Wanda,” Natasha gasped. “You’re not supposed to read people’s mind.
> 
> “I didn’t!”
> 
> “I’m calling bullshit.” Natasha says.
> 
> You laugh at the two girls.

You stumble to the ground and Bucky just barely stops you from hitting your head on the ground. You look at the right side of your chest just under your collarbone.

“That’s a lot of blood.” You choke out, you cough and blood comes out.

“Shh, save your strength.” You look at the blue-eyed beauty who has worry all over his face.

“Hey, I have to tell you something.”

“Tell me later.”

“I have to tell you now, that I-” you start coughing again.

“No you don’t, I heard you.”

“What?” Your breath is choppy and uneven.

“That morning, I heard you. The whole thing.” He strokes your hair and turns his head to the staircase. “WE NEED HELP DOWN HERE!”

“Bucky,” he turns his attention back to you. “I still want to say it.”

“Tell me when you better, now stop talking and save your strength.” There are tears in his eyes.

You try to chuckle but you end up coughing up more blood, you knew the outcome of this. “Bucky.”

“No, I need you to live ok?” He’s struggling to keep his tears at bay. “I need you to be healthy when I tell you that I am looking forward to our first date, and when I take you on our first date. I need you to be completely healed when we finish what we started that night at the club. I need you to be ok when I tell you that I love you. More than I thought was possible.”

“It was worth it.” You say.

“What was?”

“Breaking my rules.” Your breath was very shallow now you took one more breath. “Bucky, I don’t blame you for this.”


	20. Chapter 20

“No, no, no, no,” Bucky lightly shook you. “Please wake up (Y/N). Don’t do this.”

Bucky had tears in his eyes, that he couldn’t stop from falling.

“(Y/N), please. What am I supposed to do now?” He sobbed. “We didn’t even get a chance.”

He didn’t notice the rest of the team coming down the stairs. He was unaware of Tess coming and falling to the ground next to you. He barely registered when Tony and Steve lifted him to his feet and basically dragged him away.

He didn’t notice Nick Fury grabbing Tess and practically carrying her out.

They took him to the quinjet and then brought your body in on a stretcher. He didn’t say anything the entire way back. He just sat there silent tears rolling down his face. The whole team was quiet the way back.

Wanda was crying on Natasha’s shoulder, who was hiding her emotions well. Clint could see it though he had known Natasha long enough to know when something hit her hard. Steve was also being a bit stoic, but when it became too much for him he got up and took himself to a secluded part of the plane.

Sam was keeping himself busy, checking on people, getting them water or food. When he offered food they would take it but none of it was eaten.

Tony was sitting in the pilot’s seat, he pretended to fly but he was too emotional to do that. He just didn’t want to look at the team, he was finding reasons to blame himself. He could hear your voice telling him ‘Don’t blame yourself for this Tony you did everything you could.’ But your voice in his head wasn’t enough to keep the thoughts away.

Tess looked like she was in shock, she didn’t say anything, she didn’t cry. She didn’t take the food or water when it was offered to her. She wasn’t doing anything. Fury was sitting next to her forcing her to drink the water and take at least one bite.

“The papers!” Tess snaps out of her previous shocked state and looks at the people around her. “Did she find them or read them or anything?”

“I”m not sure,” Steve answered when he had finally came back into the room.

“What was on them?” Natasha asked.

“I never read them but they were from her mother,” Tess responded and not another word was spoken the rest of the flight.

When they got back to the compound Bucky forced himself into the shower to get your blood off. He made his way up to your room when he turned on the light it looked like you had just been there that morning.

He slowly laid down on your bed and took in your sent. He let it fill his lungs and cloud his mind. He knew, deep down he knew that someday the smell would fade and even if he bought the same laundry soap you used it would never smell like you.

He kept breathing in your scent until it put him to sleep. He had a dreamless sleep and he was grateful, for he feared what his mind would torture him with otherwise.

The next morning, when he woke up he had a split second where nothing had happened, but then he looked around at your room and remembered. He had half a mind to get up and go to his own bed, but that’s where he let you go. That’s where he let you confess your love for him and he pretended he was asleep and did nothing. And now he got to live with that.

He got to live with the fact that he would never kiss again in every way imaginable, quickly when he was running out the door, slowly when all he wanted to show you how much you meant to him, or passionately when all he wanted was to be closer to you. He was painfully aware that you weren’t sleeping here next to him and he would never know what that felt like.

Maybe that was a blessing in disguise, that way he would never wake up thinking that you were there next to him or draped over him. Or maybe it didn’t matter, maybe he would wake up and feel your presence next to him only to realize that his mind was playing a trick on him.

He rolls over in your bed and notices the journal on the nightstand. He studies it, deciding if he should read it or not. It would be an invasion of privacy but you weren’t here to yell at him, and he was starting to get mad at you for dying on him. He sat up and grabbed it and started reading.

He started reading the journal very carefully and making sure to take in each word. He got to the point of the start of your mother’s pregnancy before he falls asleep again book in hand.

/

“Bucky?” Tony sticks his head in the door, when he sees Bucky sleeping peacefully he leans against the door frame and looks at him for a moment. Tony had been afraid that he wouldn’t be getting any sleep, so this was a relief.

“I’m sorry that this happened Barnes, I really am,” Tony whispered and closed the door again.

Tony was afraid of what this would do to the team, they hadn’t suffered a loss like this before. Not with someone who had planted themselves into their lives the way you had. He wasn’t sure where to go from here, hell he had known you for less than a year but he still loved you. He couldn’t even imagine how Bucky was feeling, part of him wasn’t sure how Bucky was going to survive this. Hell, Tony wasn’t sure what he was going to do now.

But Tony knew that he would do everything in his power to make sure that his friends, got through this, it’s what you would have wanted.

/

Bucky woke to watch the journal fall behind the bed. He lazily reached his arm to grab it but found old folded papers instead.

“The fuck?” He said as he pulled them onto your bed he found three pages in total before finding the journal again.

He would finish the reading the journal eventually, and the pages he found which happened to be the missing pages from your mother’s journal, but he didn’t know that yet. For now, he would go spend time with his friends, they wouldn’t say anything but that’s what they needed just to be in each other’s presence.


End file.
